


You without Me

by TimelessStories



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24202912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimelessStories/pseuds/TimelessStories
Summary: Haseul is back at the dorm, witnessing the groups first win though her ipad.angst angst angstI thrive of it.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jo Haseul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip, Im Yeojin & Jo Haseul, Jo Haseul/Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul, Jo Haseul/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu, Jo Haseul/Viian Wong | ViVi
Kudos: 26





	You without Me

It’s loud, laughter and chatter that flow through the dorm the moment the door is opened. They’re all happy and they should be. They won their first music show win. And they deserve to be happy.

Haseul locks her door, sliding down along it and hugging her knees to her chest. She doesn’t know how she can face them, explain the sorrow that envelops her. They won, Loona won but as eleven, not as twelve. They didn’t need her. Haseul and her psychological problems that drag them down. Tears warm her cheeks, it soon escalates to sobs. She buries her face in her hands. Hoping to choke the sound of her crying as they celebrate.

Someone tries to open the door. “Haseul?” Jiwoo asks concerned. “I’m busy” Haseul tries. Hope that the younger will buy it and leave her to cry alone. She hears Sooyoung and Jungeun talk with Jiwoo in hushed tones. “Please, open” Sooyoung tries. She’s the most empathetic out of all of them. She can probably feel Haseul's tears but Haseul doesn’t budge. She doesn’t reply but her crying has subsided.

She hears something fiddling in the lock and the distinct click of the door being unlocked. Haseul is pushed to the wall as they enter. Sooyoung places a hand on Haseul's leg, eyes kind and worried. “Talk to me” she begs. Haseul sees her tears mirrored in Sooyoung's eyes. Jungeun and Jiwoo stays quiet by the door frame. The other members laughter and chatter ringing in their ears.

“You won, congratulations” It’s not insincere but it’s bitter. “Sooyoung's brows furrow. “You too” Haseul shakes her head at that “Not me, you guys” She quickly diverts. “You won, I didn’t” she continues, new tears falling down her cheeks which she tried to wipe away with the sleeve of her dark green hoodie.

“What are you saying?” Jungeun asks, she nudges Jiwoo in and closes the door behind them. Not wanting the other members to overhear them. Haseul sniffles. Eyes refusing to meet theirs. “I didn’t win, you won without me” She can’t explain. The feeling or the thoughts that nag in the back of her skull. Jiwoo and Jungeun sits down in front of Haseul. “That’s not true” Jiwoo insists. “Then what did I do? What did I do this comeback except cry by myself and pop pills to chase away the demons in my mind” Haseul sounds angry and devastated. “Haseul you’re recovering…” Jungeun tries but Haseul just looks even sadder. “I’m not going to recover, this isn’t something I can recover from. I can only cope..I can only-” Sooyoung cuts her of, grabbing her by the shoulders. “What does it matter? We win and we lose together. We are a team” Haseul deflates. Sinks as if though quicksand. “I can never be part of anything that tops this” She admits. Their shoulders sink.

Jinsoul comes in and Haseul tries to avoid looking at her, then Heejin and Hyunjin come and Soon Yeojin hugs her so close she can hardly breathe.

“Haseul!” she scolds. “We love you, I love you!” She says angrily. Much like a child would in a fight with another. “I know…” Haseul refutes. It’s quiet and almost tired. But they don't understand, they haven't heard her thoughts that lure her close to hurting herself and encourages her to give in and die- Haseul feels Yeojin's tears soak through her hoodie. To Yeojin she's an older sister and mother figure. Her skin burns, she buries her face in her hands and digs her nails into her skin. She screams but not because it hurts. But because her members tears burn like acid on her skin. Vivi is quick in pulling her hands back and placing them against her own face. Haseul's hands tremble. She could never hurt her, hurt Vivi that always looks at her like she is her world. "Haseul" she whispers. She brings her into a hug and Haseul melts, Vivi is warm and soothing and smells like home and safety. More tears flow as she grasps onto Vivi as if she was just an illusion. The others back off, gives them space. Haseul starts to sob again. More distraught. She can never top being with them at their first win. She can never top the mountain in her heart that is built on disappointment.

Yeojin refuses to leave her side when the others retreat. Her small, angry and sad punches that rain down on her. Haseul takes it, takes the hurt in Yeojin's eyes and lets her sponge to heart suck it up.

Yeojin stares at her, betrayal and sadness overflowing as she launches herself into Haseul's embrace. Haseul holds her, for all the times during the promotions she were unable to. And all the times she sent messages that nag her from her hospital bed. "I'm sorry" Haseul whispers. Yeojin shakes her head angry and sad and overwhelmed. "We love you" she says, shaking Haseul by her shoulders as if she could shake the words into her. "Thank you" Haseul responds. Hands cupping Yeojin's cheeks and wiping away the tears. The hurt is Yeojin's eyes dissipating as she does. "Please don't forget" Yeojin whines. Haseul doesn’t respond and it doesn’t go unnoticed. Sooyoung and Jungeun return. They tell Yeojin to go eat something which she loudly protests. But Haseul sends her off. Jungeun and Sooyoung hugs Haseul, stroking her hair and back and whispering promises of how strong she is. She pulls out of the three-way hug and stares at them. Their naive eyes that doesn’t understand. “Guys” she says, she is thankful of course. But “You don’t know” she says. “We don’t, but we try” Sooyoung says, she reaches and holds Haseul hands in her own. “We try, we’ll always try to understand each other, like you taught us” Haseul feels a lump in her throat. She grabs them by the shoulders and bring them in again. She feels her tears return and holds them close. “You really are the leaders” she says. “We’re all the leaders” Jungeun corrects, poking Haseul’s hip.

The others flow in, Jinsoul trailed by Jiwoo and Yeojin. Yerim, Hyejoo and Chaewon following right behind them. They all latch on. The lump of girls growing bigger and bigger with Haseul in their steady center. This is Loona.


End file.
